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Riverfail

June 24, 2017-June 25, 2017 – I was watching Riverdale, or at least characters from Riverdale. The action was focusing on Cheryl. She was standing by a barn in the woods. Then a couple of other characters got her to run off. There was something urgent going on with Cheryl’s brother – not Jason, but another brother we hadn’t seen before.

June 5, 2017-June 6, 2017 – Some man’s (young adult) daughter was walking around and incessantly screaming. I don’t it was Krysten Ritter, but it looked just like her.

April 7, 2017-April 8, 2017 – I was hanging out by the ocean with my parents. It didn’t really look like the beach, at least not what I was used to. I swam out near some docks. It was pretty shallow. But then suddenly a huge wave came and flooded everything. It knocked me over the dock right after it did the same to T.J. Miller. It brought me all the way to the shore. It wasn’t really the shore now, though, as it was covered with water. Back at the house that we were renting, I was watching Mr. Robot‘s Season 3 premiere. My mom was walking around. Angela was pregnant with Elliot’s baby. She was hanging out by herself at a diner (and possibly waiting for someone?). She was also working as an exotic dancer, probably undercover. She came back to her booth in her full dancing regalia. She writhed around on the table. It cut to inside Elliot’s brain. A parasite was there and running along. We heard narration from the parasite. Later, I woke up and got out of bed. I paced around a bit. I noticed my grandmother’s head to the side of the blankets in the other bed in the room. It was positioned in a way that made it look like it couldn’t possibly be attached to a body. It was rather cold in here. I turned the A/C up from 67 to 68, then 69, and then it jumped up to 80. I tried adjusting the other A/C unit, which was by the door, but that was even more wonky. I stepped out of the room. I looked outside. It was bright out, even though it was 4:00 AM. It felt Lynch-ian. My mom was walking around. I went back to my bedroom. I looked at my grandmother’s head again. It still looked weirdly detached.

Too Many Ninjas

March 22, 2017-March 23, 2017 – I was at a vacation beach house. Upstairs, some guy was going on about how 30 Rock was no good anymore in Season 3. I passionately responded that it was excellent through the first 3 seasons, still very good in Season 4, and remained always more good than bad in Seasons 5 and 6. I went upstairs to set the record straight. The hater took off. There were about five meatheads staying in the upstairs rooms. There was a pile of papers with 30 Rock photos in a file folder that I flipped through. There were about five bedrooms upstairs. I walked through all of them. 30 Rock was on the TV in all of them. Then a basketball game from last year’s Olympics started playing. I heard from the announcers that a fight was breaking out. It cut to the scrum, which was in the middle of the court. Coach Krzyzewski was punching at the air. Someone said he was going to get thrown out for that. Kobe Bryant and Dirk Nowitzki were the two main ones going at it. A replay showed what led to this. Kobe scored on a layup, and then Dirk (with Kobe right behind him) dunked on a fast break, completely breaking the backboard. The refs should have stopped the game right then. This made me think of Dirk shooting a BB gun in that SNL sketch making fun of Juggalos.  I wanted to mention that to my friend, but I couldn’t remember what it was called the first time they did that sketch. I remembered “Columbus Day Assblast,” though. Then there was another Juggalo parody video playing. It was just some kid on a basketball court rapping at the camera, with occasional white text appearing onscreen.

January 28, 2017-January 29, 2017 – I was watching a meeting between Donald Trump and Barack Obama. They were in some Middle Eastern country. They were sitting  in the middle of a cave-like structure in a big courtyard, very isolated from anybody else. Obama was giving Trump some Middle East advice. Then the walls of the structure started moving forward, and Obama and Trump had to weave around some obstacles. Then they were walking around the courtyard. Obama asked Trump what he had learned. He really didn’t get it. Obama said something like, “No, Donald, you have to listen!” Then Obama was presenting Trump with some typical ceremonial arts honor in front of a crowd of Hollywood types. It looked like they were in a school assembly hall, but a little bigger than that would normally be. The audience was sitting in folding chairs. I stood by the stage during the presentation. As soon as Obama gave him the certificate and Trump came to the mic, the crowd started booing. Trump started doing some performance. He held his arm over his mouth while doing impressions of cartoon characters. I was on stage now. Trump set me up for a line. I walked up to the mic and improvised, “Oh no!” which got a decent amount of laughs. Then I stood off on the other side, on the right. Donald was just flailing and spinning around now. So I went up to the mic and said, “We’ll be back to The Goofy Show after these messages.” And that ended the performance. The big screen on the wall was now showing a Disney Channel cartoon. The channel display looked like that of Comcast. Britt Robertson came up to the stage to give Trump a recap. She was critical, but upbeat. I was listening from in front of the stage. Britt was saying, “When you were dancing around, and then Jeff came in, and that was the right thing to do.”

Roger & Me

January 28, 2017-January 29, 2017 – I was playing tennis against Rafael Nadal. He was about to serve, so I had to run across the court to get to the return box. In the middle of a point, a ball was coming head-high to me on the baseline. I smashed a winner without letting it hit the ground. As the replay played, I wondered if it would have landed out of bounds, but it felt good to hit the winner.

Author Unknowable

January 8, 2017-January 9, 2017 – I had written a series of pieces about Donald Trump – 10, I believe. I was delighted to discover that they had been published as part of a comic book collection. On the back inside cover, there were some short author bios. There weren’t any credits listed with my name, though. I flipped back to the front inside cover, where my name was misspelled as “Joeoffrey Malone.”